ever lived a hypocritical life? well, not to others but to yourself? you keep telling yourself you got this; somedays, you do. but somedays you don’t?..

and when you don’t, you kept on telling yourself that it’s okay, although things are falling apart one by one? you are aware with what’s happening but you choose to stay calm cause that’s how you’d cope. it sounds like a good coping mechanism to me, but hey, life’s like yin and yang. there’s pros, and there’s cons.

vulnerability has become faint in this generation, it’s so hard to express this said expression as everyone in this 20th century fantasize independence, peace within one self, self-love and the list goes on

while some still fantasize the negativity; helplessness, unassertiveness etc. speaking up about mental health is becoming a norm these days. but how normal is it that people around you are willing to talk about it just like how they talk about the things they love?

For all the times that we share, for all the times that we spent. I would be lying if I never thought of you throughout these 50 days. It was torturing but yet again, I kept on telling myself that it’s just a routine, and adaption, that I need to get rid off.

I don’t know what to say, Haha. I understand. Although I can’t lie it really breaks my heart to pieces to be reading that but I promise you, I understand. 😌

I’m sorry for not allowing you to follow me anywhere in my social media (aha js dewi things to block unblock so fast). Let’s be real though, who wouldn’t act as such? Entirely, I just want to protect myself.

I’m just really sorry that I didn’t try hard enough to be a better person. I’m really sorry that my life background was nothing but a mess. I’m really sorry that I lied in your face. I’m really sorry that I always have to part ways when things don’t go right. I was trying my best, to be nothing but the best but I guess it was never enough to your eyes.

I wish, that we actually work out. I was so sure of the future of us. I wish that it all didn’t happen. But it did. And then I wish I never met you, at all. But then again, throughout the process, I’ve learned alot. It really opened my eyes .

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16 MAY 2019

My last post of you, Man I need and got to move on.

every breakups that we had becomes a norm to me, i hate the fact that im pretending with how i feel. truth is, i really miss you time and time again. just that now, i’m used to all these shit that was thrown at us throughout the relationship. it’s as if i’m truthfully neutral about it, like i know what words go thru ur mouth when we’re gonna separate ways. i know your patterns and honestly it’s sad. it’s sad that my love for you is slowly draining out, it’s like i lost a missing piece in my heart but i won’t yearn to search for it. it’s sad because i promised myself i will be with you no matter what, thru every hardships and success. i love you lan, but this is goodbye ✨ thank you, 5

It’s done and dusted. Goodbye, it was all as good as nothing but memories. One last virtual hug from me, hahahahaha gdbye.

Another Sunday. without you again. I feel like I have been adapting to feel upset when its Sundays, just because you’re booking in. But who am I to feel as such already?

This Sunday, went pretty well for me. I woke, I smoked, I showered, dyed my hair cause it was that tragic and it is affecting my confidence in public. And then, I had work. Work went pretty fast as hell. Like I could really remember that I did everything I can without stopping. I reached and ate and served customers and then closed the store. After that, I went to send Hasbullah to the airport, flying off to Japan for 6 days and then to Shanghai, China on the 2nd of July for 5 months for intern. He lucky.

And although with that much going on, I still feel empty, like there was a missing piece in my day. I tried to keep myself positive and tell myself that what we had was just a routine that I need to get rid of.

I hope all is well for you throughout your NS journey and also on the days when we’re still in the process of healing. I’m trying my best to stay sane when I miss you so much, A week more till you POP fireman, stay happy and,

You’ll be in my prayers. Assalamualaikum’

Assalamualaikum’ friends,

Here I am back with another entry, Girl, today’s topic is about me deciding to accept a new commitment,

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WEARING A HIJABi

Yeah, I know right? Me? A hijab? I mean let’s be real it is definitely possible. I can wear it anytime I feel like it. Or to occasions that are needed for me to wear a hijab.

To some who knows my story, girl stop. Stop it right thurr… That is not why I was going to wear a hijab. Haha, moving on.

It has hit me for long, since the time at work. Sidetrack, my people at work are amazing. My brothers’ and sisters’ there, they grabbed my hand and take me to a path that is going to benefit me in the afterlife. I am so glad they dragged me to worship my Creator who gave me this life, although, at times, I was very stubborn.

And as time passes by, Alhamdullilah, It has been in my routine ever since. It was hard at first, especially waking up for Subuh prayers, I am NOT a morning person. Sometimes, I was lazy, sometimes, I didn’t get to do it as I was outside and I got like a shit ton of makeup on my face. I won’t say that I’m able to pray 5 times a day yet, but Insyallah, May He continue to guide me through,

It has made me reflected more in my life, made me have questions I’d never thought I bother to think about (because I am a very curious girl) but it was this one question that had the biggest ‘?’ in my head, When should I wear a hijab?

I had thought of it since months ago but it really didn’t trigger me till this day, It has been in my mind all day. I got this 85% of feeling that I should go for it and give it a try, but as told, It is a big commitment that I must hold close to my heart. Time and time, I’ve searched for Hidayah (Nah I wasn’t searching for me *ba dum tss*) hehe. Alright, moving on, I’ve searched for Hidayah and I am thankful for the advice my friends provided me and also from the Web Source and The Quran, (not in Jawi of course).

Niat, ( intentions )

This, I believe beat out all other advice that I got, ask yourself, why did you want to wear it? Who are you wearing it for? It hit me, I knew there is always an intention to what you are doing. But I didn’t really know the intentions of wearing the hijab. All I knew was that we are most likely advise to do it because we should cover ourselves (especially women) to avoid evil things that could take place. A friend of mine at work, told me that, and I’m going to be honest, I told him that I feel like wearing a hijab. Why? Because almost everyone tells me to do so.

And he stopped me, ”Don’t rush, practice your rukun Islam, pray 5 times a day, find your Hidayah, and when He give you the Hidayah, and you need to make the effort to find the Hidayah, it does not come by itself, Wallahualam.. take that step, grab that commitment”

I admit I’m still lost with what I should do and I’m still skeptical to turn my life around, I don’t know what is making me feel this way, the 15% of me. I know its a huge commitment to take, and I know I’m not ready to take it, But I hope sooner or later in the midst of learning the meaning of life and also Him, I will be able to take that step.

As of now, I’m still going to be me, my friends’ would say, ”be the Dewi Donut you are,” girl bye. Hahaha, I’m just going to throw my old habits away. Pray for me my friends, Amin and Goodnight,

Assalamulaikum’

Flashes of you in my mind, Back to back. The times we laugh and had fun, being annoying together, the cries, the hugs. It goes on and on. I miss you dearly.

I’m not going to write much, I’ll let the pictures do the talking.

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We watched IT. A movie I avoid watching. A few people asked me out to watch it, I rejected. But him, I accepted. I don’t know how. Clowns are my arch nemesis. I’m afraid of them.

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Who would have forget this iconic date. I was late for 3 hours. Not only that, I told him that I will picked him up from school, I overslept. Claps for me for first impressions.

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The date where we couldn’t get enough of each other,

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Baru je kut semalam dating, Jumpa lagi,

I actually took the train from Eunos to Lakeside (paham eh), without a phone. No song, nothing to entertain me the whole journey. But everything erases when I put in my mind that I’m going to meet my date that I barely know. What kind of excitement is this? We plan to meet at Lakeside Gantry, I swear sis the 5 mins of me was nothing but butterflies in my stomach. Then it hit me, Why am I here? So nervous to see him, so shy. I hide by the side while waiting for him and then I saw him. Legit saw a prize in front of me.

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Karaoke and Shaker Fries!!

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Australia, also the day I got to see your parents for the first time and also your friends.

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And your return, was still one of the best moments in my life, 5th November 2017, I became your girlfriend.

With just two weeks span, We became official. It is still surreal to me. It was something that I knew I wanted but I didn’t know I wanted it. Here is my side of the story. When I was with Chicas, Early January, your name slipped out my mouth a few times, I really find you so cute I’m not even lying. I just didn’t make a move on you because I have yet to move on from my ex-boyfriend. All I can do was to follow you at Instagram. Remembered this one poll you posted about going bald and I voted no, Crazy how now I love your bald self. But, my favorite look of yours would still be your long hair with your five panel. That was what made me fell in love with you when I first set my eyes on you.

I sure have a lot more to say, It’s really upsetting that all this was just a beautiful phase of my life, It was great while it lasted. You will always be in my prayers.

Assalamualaikum my friends, This list will be updated from time to time,

Ice Skating – make the person who doesn’t know how to skate, be the catcher.

Paintball – play it like I do in PUBG,

Laser Tag – Ocean Eight feel

Graduate – with flying colors of course.

Publish a book – fiction of course

Skate – would like to learn, but am scared. Only tried long board, extremely fun.

Go to a concert with my other half – we must both know the songs to the concert that we’re going

Bungee – fuck this is a risk to take, I might just have heart failure.

Have children – duh but two boys, one girl. baby girl

To DIY the room – I have 7 possible outcomes for this

Dance the Waltz – with the person I’m going to marry. Song choice would be, Perfect, by Ed Sheeran – i mean it’s a common wedding song these days.

May peace be upon you,

Sunday, good day. I really miss being the one to shave your head every Sundays. I miss Sunday mornings with you. On some Sundays, We cleaned your room or maybe cleaned your house. Sunday afternoons, having lunch and watching YouTube, or maybe just enjoying each other’s company.

It is Sunday, today, I can only imagine how it’ll be like for us now. Probably, I just woke. You’re playing your game, What ”Sunday” to me now is wake up, movies (ended up, i fall asleep. Everytime. 50% of the time that I watched movies, I do not know how it end), PUBG, sleep. Well at least for this week. I just needed a week to myself to accept whatever that is happening.

I miss you.

You’ll always be in my prayers.

It’s been countless of times that we have decided to go our separate ways, but this was the last of it. The last straw, the last hope for the both of us. I’ve let go both of my hands due to personal reasons and it goes the same to you too. It has been a wonderful, frustrating, tight journey, an eye opener, a lesson, for each other. You were nothing but the person who I loved most. I most likely die for you. The love I had for him was so pure yet stupid at the same time. I totally forgotten about my brother’s advice; ”don’t love too hard little sis,” Excuse me but how? I let it slide.

I miss you, not that dying ache-y I miss you but a great analogy would be, when you go out to get ice cream and the ice cream was 2 for $2, only to realize, that you don’t have another person to enjoy the promotion with.

I’m going to keep it short and simple, I hope this ache exits from us soon. Like not exit, but like exit exit, like emergency exit. It hurts a little too much and I can’t bare for you to feel that way. Always be happy, and be strong. Take care b, You’ll be in my prayers.

Assalamualaikum’